Caution: No Dental Content Here Today

Due to a flurry of both business and pleasure travel, The Maven has been shirking her blogging responsibilities. The business travel involved Orlando and Boston, (Candy-I was stuck in meetings all day or else I’d have insisted we meet for drinks). The pleasure travel was, believe it or not, in Detroit. The Mavens' son and his Mite A hockey team qualified for the Silver Sticks International Finals. In case you don’t follow hockey, Silver Sticks is the Mite A (ages 7-8) equivalent of the Stanley Cup. In fact, the winners get their team name in the Hockey Hall of Fame in Canada. It’s a BIG DEAL.

The Maven missed the first game cuz she was enroute from Orlando at that time. She won’t bore you with the ugly details about how The Maven narrowly missed her connecting flight in the Philly airport where she ran a mile in 3 inch heels toting a carry-on bag whose shoulder strap broke during said sprint, all while sporting a big winter coat which caused very unladylike schvitzing.


Anyhoo…

Upon arrival to Detroit, The Maven received a text from her husband saying the team had tied the first game. This meant if we lost either of the next two games, we’d be heading home early. The Maven arrived with plenty of time for the next game and greeted her son who she’d not seen in 3 days. After hugs and kisses The Mavens son stood back and said, “Mom, your hair is jacked up.” (Nice.)

After some major league cheering and hand-bruising-glass-banging our team won the game, decisively. They went on to win the next game on Saturday morning which put them in the quarter finals. Long story short, we made it to the finals….against a Canadian team, the Nationals from London, Ontario.

The game was a nail biter and was tied up with 2 apiece in the final minute of the 3rd period. All us hockey mom’s were hunkering down for overtime when, suddenly, with 3 seconds left to play, the Nationals scored. Ugggghhh. What a heartbreaker. Our little guys were crushed.

The awards ceremony presented our team with an enormous trophy. But, you could have told these kids that second place winners were each entitled to a lifetime of unlimited video games, had no school for the next month and a million dollars each and they still would have looked defeated. So disappointing.

The Canadian parents, however, couldn’t have been nicer. They came over and said our team represented the best competition their team faced in the tournament. In a conversation heavily sprinkled with “eh’s” they admitted the game could have gone either way. Those Canadians were a class act.

The name Joe Beninati is a name you’ll likely recognize if you follow hockey. He’s a frequent announcer for the NHL games and the Stanley Cup Finals. Here’s what he and Craig Laughlin (Locker) had to say about our Montgomery Mite A Blue Devils:

(the coverage on the Mite A’s begins at around 18 seconds)

I'm Not Drunk, But I Have Been Brushing My Teeth

Massachusetts State Senator Anthony Galluccio resigned his senate seat after several run-ins with the law concerning a number of alcohol related incidents. The senator recently tried to blame the combination of toothpastes he was using for failing a breathalyzer test.


Last October, following a number of DUI incidents, Galluccio was apprehended after fleeing the scene of a fender-bender which left a father and son injured. A judge ordered the Senator to surrender his driver’s license for 5 years as well as submit to random breath tests during his probationary period. Breath equipment was installed in his residence and he was sentenced to home confinement. Only three days after his sentencing, Galluccio failed the breathalyzer test. In a statement the Senator said, "After discussing it with a physician, we have determined that it is the result of my using two toothpastes - Colgate Total Whitening and Sensodyne toothpaste, both of which contain sorbitol."

Okay, Senator Oral Hygiene.

Could you give me the name of that “physician,” Senator? Cuz The Maven’s gotta look him up. The “Doc” who helped you craft this fairy tale needs to review his organic chemistry. Yes, Sorbitol is a sugar alcohol, but it isn’t volatile like ethyl alcohol. A breathalyzer registers your BAC (blood alcohol content) when the alcohol in your bloodstream passes through your lungs and is exhaled due to its’ property of volatility. Sorbitol, on the other hand, has a negligible volatility and is not exhaled through the lungs. It can’t cause false positives on a breathalyzer. Period.

Now, if you were using one of the following dentifrices, perhaps, just maybe, you could get the breathalyzer to give you a positive reading:

Arm & Hammered Toothpaste

 (for that Fresh from the Tavern feeling of Clean)

Pearl Schnapps

(See the Moonshine, Feel the Buzz)

Colgate Totaled

(Number 1 Recommended by Drunkards)

Had you opted for the mouthwash claim you might have gotten some minor traction, as many rinses do contain alcohol. But you and your “physician” went with the urban myth about toothpaste. Dumb move. Next time you try to weasel your way out of a legal hot-spot with a chemical defense? Get yourself some competent advice from someone who knows their hydrocarbons and derivatives.

Yet Another Explanation for British Teeth

A swanky restaurant in London, England, recently had their customers signing waivers to eat dessert. The restaurant “High Timber” boasts on its website that it’s located “100 yards from the…Millennium Bridge, a brief walk from St. Paul’s Cathedral and the London Stock exchange,” and the “only restaurant in city of London with tables on the banks of the Thames.” It further claims to have the best views of any restaurant in the UK.

Well, then.

The dessert requiring the waiver is the classic Christmas Pudding which includes an English tradition of placing coins or trinkets within the batter which can be kept by the person whose serving included it. High Timber restaurant co-owner, Neleen Strauss, explained: "We're based in the City so a lot of my customers are lawyers and they suggested it. It is a bit crazy but I decided to take their advice." Guess Neleen’s eyes must have been locked on her coveted Thames view and therefore missed the huge LUMP in the lawyers cheek formed by his tongue.

The waiver reads: "I absolve entirely High Timber from all blame or liability should I come to any harm including, but not limited to, a chipped tooth, or any injury as a result of swallowing it."

That’s it? How many Pounds Sterling did you shell out to the barrister who crafted that legal waiver for you, Neleen? Yup, looks pretty iron-clad to me. You’re one smart lass, you are.

And what’s the deal with you Brits causing insult to injury by hiding those tooth-busting metal trinkets in your pudding, anyway? Hope ya’ll are current on your Heimlich maneuver instruction. By the time dessert rolls around most adults are already headlong into the brandy and reaction times are slightly dulled. No wonder the British dentition is in the state it’s in. And would this explain the restaurant owners’ rather subdued grins on the website?

Y’all poke fun at us Americans but you don’t see us sabotaging the shortcake. Can’t you come up with a more contemporary idea? How ‘bout this: ever hear of the “McDonalds Happy Meal?” It’s called the “Happy Meal” because:  there’s no waiver required, there’s no choking hazard, nobody ends up with a busted-out grill and the “prize” is immediately visible when the bag is opened--- not HIDDEN in the sandwich! Brilliant, isn’t it? Yup, everybody’s Happy.

But, if you’re just looking for some quick and easy publicity for your high-brow restaurant? And it’s not really about the tooth-busting-trinkets? Well, yeah, then I guess the pudding waiver isn’t such a bad idea.

"Bearly" Adequate Dentistry

At the Port Defiance Zoo in Washington a Polar Bear named “Glacier” needed some dental work. Zookeepers examine the bears’ teeth daily using a series of hand signals to which the bear responds by opening his mouth. That’s how they spotted a broken canine. (Zookeepers had “no comment” on Glaciers’ own hand signals after being told he needed a root canal.) Officials don’t know the exact cause of the fractured tooth but offered speculation that Glacier may have sustained the injury while chewing his mixture of beef knuckles and femurs, fish and dog chow.


According to Dr. Karen Wolf, zoo veterinarian, dental problems in Polar Bears are fairly common and this isn’t Glacier's first root canal. Prompt treatment of the tooth was necessary to avoid the potential problems of swelling and infection. So after a week and a half of planning, Dr. Edmund Kwan (endodontist for humans) was scheduled to perform root canal therapy on Glaciers upper right canine. But, Glacier naturally, would need to be asleep for the procedure.

“He was pretty angry with me this morning,” says Dr. Wolf who explains that she tries to use the dart gun quickly as to minimize the stress on the animal. But Glacier spied the gun and is reported to then “jump up and down on his hind legs, pound his paws into the concrete, shake his head to and fro, saliva flying out of his mouth, and make a chuffing noise.” HELL YEAH!!! The Maven’d be jumpin’ and chuffin’ up a storm too! There’s a reason it’s called a “dart gun” and not “sedation dentistry.” Ever see the size of one of those? Doesn’t matter what kinda magical drugs you got stuffed in that dart, that’s gotta be painful in the ol’ keister for a long time to come! And Doc Wolf?---Here’s a lesson in non-verbal communication: in general, shaking the “head to and fro” can be interpreted as: “NO!” and “HELL NO!!”

And Doc, you wanna minimize stress? Well, consider this: Before your next dental appointment, how ‘bout The Dental Maven shows up at your house, early a.m. with a Dart Gun? Yeah. That’s right. Not really conducive to low stress, is it? Couldn’t you just slip a Mickey Finn into Glaciers’ kibble? He’d probably like that a whole lot better. And on the subject of kibble? Whose idea was it to serve up the beef knuckles? Just the word “knuckle,” chock filled with all those damn hard consonants should be enough to keep it off the menu. Best consider a softer diet for ol’ Glacier. Maybe even stick a Cuisine Art in his Christmas stocking.

It’s lovely that Dr. Kwan is donating his services for Glacier’s root canal. But the report says he won’t be getting a crown. What? Why do only half the job? After a root canal and without a crown the tooth will be more susceptible to another fracture. And The Maven can tell you that teeth that fracture once can often become repeat offenders, even without a root canal. Besides, Glacier would probably look pretty fetching with a gold canine. Give him a whole new look and probably some renewed respect in the animal kingdom. Think about it.

A Christmas Tribute to Our Brave Men and Women in Uniform

This holiday season remember those who won't be home to enjoy the warmth of family.

A Scary Look at Dentophobia

Y'all wonder why your kids are afraid to go to the dentist? Evaluating how dental matters are dealt with at home could reveal the source of the problem.  Take a look...

Mom must be hitting the happy juice on a regular basis. Kids' cleaning up the blood and mom can't stop laughing. (Nice)



A Skate?  Seriously?  Dad, make a choice and go with it:  engineering OR dentistry.

Here's a way to solidify that great bond you have with your child. Have someone else do the dirty work, like say, a brother or sister. Because siblings don't already have enough tension between them, right?



Mr. Pythagoras extracts his daughters tooth:



Step-by-step Redneck extraction!  Things you'll need: duct tape, folding chair, string and motorcycle.



Remember, as a parent you're the childs first dentist. Think about it.

Botax, Schmotax!

I hope you’ve all taken a moment to call or email your US Senators and tell them you oppose the proposed 5% cosmetic tax currently being offered as a way to fund the health care reform bill. What? You say this doesn’t affect you? Wrong!

The current wording of the Senate bill   is poised to tax teeth whitening, dental crowns (caps), veneers and dental implants as well as Botox, dermal fillers, and many more procedures. The verbiage (see text below) is such that expansion to white (tooth-colored) fillings could also be included. You may not currently be in need of one of these procedures but, at some point? Trust me, you will.

Why’s this a problem?

1. The tax lumps dental treatments into the same category with alcohol and tobacco – the so-called “Sin Tax.” That tax was put in place to attempt to modify the bad behaviors which cause the health problems that we all wind up paying for. It also helps pay the costs incurred by the current health care system resulting from the use of these products. The Maven gets that. Why, then, should someone be penalized for taking steps to maintain their oral health??? The outcome of the above mentioned procedures has the exact opposite result of the behaviors targeted by the Sin Tax.


2. The tax is punitive and places an additional burden on everyone – not just top income earners. Sixty percent of patients considering cosmetic procedures are middle income earners (between $30,000 and $90,000 per year). And what about dental crowns? Most crowns aren’t done for cosmetic reasons. A broken down tooth requires a crown no matter whose mouth it’s in – rich or poor.

3. The tax discriminates largely against women. Data shows that over 90% of individuals seeking cosmetic treatments are women. These treatments serve to enhance appearance and self-confidence which is often key to succeeding at work and other areas of our lives.

4. Doctors and dentists will have the unprecedented burden of becoming tax collectors – with all the attendant rights, privileges and gastric upset. Can you say, “MORE PAPERWORK?” Most medical and dental offices are small businesses. We already deal with Jurassic sized forms for monthlies, quarterlies, bi-annuals you name it, with the IRS, State and Local agencies. Someone’s gotta pay for all this administrivia---who do you think that’ll be?

If you haven’t already contacted your Senator, what are you waiting for? Go to http://www.stopcosmetictax.org/ where you can write your Senator, sign a petition, receive updates on the bills’ status and tell your friends. Now git!


Taken from page 2045 of current Senate Bill:
"COSMETIC SURGERY AND MEDICAL PROCEDURE.—For purposes of this section, the term ‘cosmetic surgery and medical procedure’ means any cosmetic surgery (as defined in section 213(d)(9)(B)) or other similar procedure which—‘‘(1) is performed by a licensed medical professional, and‘‘(2) is not necessary to ameliorate a deformity arising from, or directly related to, a congenital abnormality, a personal injury resulting from an accident or trauma, or disfiguring disease."