Lil Wayne's Delayed Prison Sentence

For someone who was quoted in Rolling Stone Magazine as saying he was “looking forward” to going to jail, Lil Wayne is sure coming up big with ways to delay serving his time.


Background:  Rapper Dwayne Carter (Lil Wayne) was on schedule to enter the Big House on February 8th after being sentenced to 12 months for a gun possession charge. According to NYPD, ol’ Weezys tour bus was pulled over when cops detected plumes of reefer flowing out of it. (How much weed must you be smokin’ in that big bus for the cops to smell it in their patrol car?) Anywho, police boarded the bus and found a .40-caliber hand gun. After two years of fighting the charges, Wayne reached a plea agreement in October 2009 and was slated for Rikers Island on February 8th.

But when February 8th rolled around a Manhattan Judge allowed the rapper to delay his, uh, matriculation into Rikers so he could undergo treatment with his dentist in Miami. The lawyer claimed Weezy had a “medical situation” that couldn’t be treated sooner because his dentist was out of the country doing charity work.

Really??? Lemme get this straight. Wayne knew back in October he’d be heading off to Rikers in February. You telling me his dentist was doing charity work for 3 MONTHS??? Who’s his dentist? Dr. Mother Freakin’ Theresa??? Guess when you’re placing grillz on Ballers at $150,000 a pop, you can afford to spend a quarter of the year doing charity work. (**note to self – begin advertising Grillz on website)

And according to TMZ.com, Wayne had an 8 hour dentathon during which he had his famous grill worked on, 8 root canals, implants redone and his few remaining real teeth repaired. DUDE!! Seriously. What up with the oral hygiene??? I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say there must have been some powerful hewnt coming outta that yap. Those sort of problems don’t develop overnight.

A close up of Weezy’s grill prior to his recent dental appointment reveals some very basic hygiene issues. Schmutz between the teeth, swollen gums and who knows what’s going on in the cheap seats. You’d think after investing 150K in your mouth you’d be inclined to maintain its luster. How ‘bout spendin a little of that chedda on some floss and a toothbrush? Maybe put some fluoride drops in yo drank and cut back on the Gummi Sour Fries?

But Wayne will get a few more days to nail down his new oral hygiene program in the comforts of his own home. Seems a fire broke out in the New York Courthouse where he was to be formally sentenced (again) on March 2nd. His date has been pushed back to March 8th.

Man Loses Teeth to Exploding Cigarette

A dude in Indonesia claims he lost 6 teeth when the cigarette he was smoking blew up in his face while riding his motorcycle. The brand of cigs, should you care to know, is “Clas Mild” a popular Indonesian clove varietal.

First off, who smokes while riding a motorcycle? Doesn’t the hot ash blow back in your face when you take a drag off your butt?? The Maven’s never smoked and that’s the first of many offensive visuals that come to mind. Even the Marlboro Man had enough sense to wait until after his ride to light up.

The victim, Andi Susanto, 31, said he’s been smoking since he was a schoolboy. Police are investigating the incident but Mr. Susanto said he would try to give up smoking now. Oh? Ya think?? Andi, listen, no matter what your religion, if a cigarette explodes in your face, blows out 6 teeth and requires 51 stitches? You can take that as a clear sign from above. STOP SMOKING.

And about those six teeth. According to the American Academy of Periodontology, recent studies have shown that tobacco use may be one of the most significant factors in the development and progression of gum disease (periodontal disease). Gum disease is the number one reason people lose their teeth worldwide. Given his 20 odd years of smoking The Maven would be willing to bet that, when he smiled, a light breeze could’ve set ol’ Andi’s fronts a’moving like aluminum wind chimes.

In speaking with the Jakarta Post, Mr. Susanto expressed that he’d never had any problems with smoking before and that “the incident was all so unexpected.” Well, HELL YEAH dude! Who actually EXPECTS their cig to go all incendiary like that??

Here’s a question Mr. Susanto. In your opinion, did that cigarette look more like A or B?     Take your time…

One more thing, you absolutely sure you picked up the “Milds” and not the “Calientes?”
 

The cigarette manufacturer, PT Nojorono, has paid for Mr. Susanto’s medical costs but said there are no plans for a recall. Clas Mild spokesman Iwan Sulitsyo said, “We do not put any strange materials in the cigarettes, so we think that this is a weird case.” Well said, Mr. Iwan. Yup. Definitely a weird case.

Caution: No Dental Content Here Today

Due to a flurry of both business and pleasure travel, The Maven has been shirking her blogging responsibilities. The business travel involved Orlando and Boston, (Candy-I was stuck in meetings all day or else I’d have insisted we meet for drinks). The pleasure travel was, believe it or not, in Detroit. The Mavens' son and his Mite A hockey team qualified for the Silver Sticks International Finals. In case you don’t follow hockey, Silver Sticks is the Mite A (ages 7-8) equivalent of the Stanley Cup. In fact, the winners get their team name in the Hockey Hall of Fame in Canada. It’s a BIG DEAL.

The Maven missed the first game cuz she was enroute from Orlando at that time. She won’t bore you with the ugly details about how The Maven narrowly missed her connecting flight in the Philly airport where she ran a mile in 3 inch heels toting a carry-on bag whose shoulder strap broke during said sprint, all while sporting a big winter coat which caused very unladylike schvitzing.


Anyhoo…

Upon arrival to Detroit, The Maven received a text from her husband saying the team had tied the first game. This meant if we lost either of the next two games, we’d be heading home early. The Maven arrived with plenty of time for the next game and greeted her son who she’d not seen in 3 days. After hugs and kisses The Mavens son stood back and said, “Mom, your hair is jacked up.” (Nice.)

After some major league cheering and hand-bruising-glass-banging our team won the game, decisively. They went on to win the next game on Saturday morning which put them in the quarter finals. Long story short, we made it to the finals….against a Canadian team, the Nationals from London, Ontario.

The game was a nail biter and was tied up with 2 apiece in the final minute of the 3rd period. All us hockey mom’s were hunkering down for overtime when, suddenly, with 3 seconds left to play, the Nationals scored. Ugggghhh. What a heartbreaker. Our little guys were crushed.

The awards ceremony presented our team with an enormous trophy. But, you could have told these kids that second place winners were each entitled to a lifetime of unlimited video games, had no school for the next month and a million dollars each and they still would have looked defeated. So disappointing.

The Canadian parents, however, couldn’t have been nicer. They came over and said our team represented the best competition their team faced in the tournament. In a conversation heavily sprinkled with “eh’s” they admitted the game could have gone either way. Those Canadians were a class act.

The name Joe Beninati is a name you’ll likely recognize if you follow hockey. He’s a frequent announcer for the NHL games and the Stanley Cup Finals. Here’s what he and Craig Laughlin (Locker) had to say about our Montgomery Mite A Blue Devils:

(the coverage on the Mite A’s begins at around 18 seconds)

I'm Not Drunk, But I Have Been Brushing My Teeth

Massachusetts State Senator Anthony Galluccio resigned his senate seat after several run-ins with the law concerning a number of alcohol related incidents. The senator recently tried to blame the combination of toothpastes he was using for failing a breathalyzer test.


Last October, following a number of DUI incidents, Galluccio was apprehended after fleeing the scene of a fender-bender which left a father and son injured. A judge ordered the Senator to surrender his driver’s license for 5 years as well as submit to random breath tests during his probationary period. Breath equipment was installed in his residence and he was sentenced to home confinement. Only three days after his sentencing, Galluccio failed the breathalyzer test. In a statement the Senator said, "After discussing it with a physician, we have determined that it is the result of my using two toothpastes - Colgate Total Whitening and Sensodyne toothpaste, both of which contain sorbitol."

Okay, Senator Oral Hygiene.

Could you give me the name of that “physician,” Senator? Cuz The Maven’s gotta look him up. The “Doc” who helped you craft this fairy tale needs to review his organic chemistry. Yes, Sorbitol is a sugar alcohol, but it isn’t volatile like ethyl alcohol. A breathalyzer registers your BAC (blood alcohol content) when the alcohol in your bloodstream passes through your lungs and is exhaled due to its’ property of volatility. Sorbitol, on the other hand, has a negligible volatility and is not exhaled through the lungs. It can’t cause false positives on a breathalyzer. Period.

Now, if you were using one of the following dentifrices, perhaps, just maybe, you could get the breathalyzer to give you a positive reading:

Arm & Hammered Toothpaste

 (for that Fresh from the Tavern feeling of Clean)

Pearl Schnapps

(See the Moonshine, Feel the Buzz)

Colgate Totaled

(Number 1 Recommended by Drunkards)

Had you opted for the mouthwash claim you might have gotten some minor traction, as many rinses do contain alcohol. But you and your “physician” went with the urban myth about toothpaste. Dumb move. Next time you try to weasel your way out of a legal hot-spot with a chemical defense? Get yourself some competent advice from someone who knows their hydrocarbons and derivatives.

Yet Another Explanation for British Teeth

A swanky restaurant in London, England, recently had their customers signing waivers to eat dessert. The restaurant “High Timber” boasts on its website that it’s located “100 yards from the…Millennium Bridge, a brief walk from St. Paul’s Cathedral and the London Stock exchange,” and the “only restaurant in city of London with tables on the banks of the Thames.” It further claims to have the best views of any restaurant in the UK.

Well, then.

The dessert requiring the waiver is the classic Christmas Pudding which includes an English tradition of placing coins or trinkets within the batter which can be kept by the person whose serving included it. High Timber restaurant co-owner, Neleen Strauss, explained: "We're based in the City so a lot of my customers are lawyers and they suggested it. It is a bit crazy but I decided to take their advice." Guess Neleen’s eyes must have been locked on her coveted Thames view and therefore missed the huge LUMP in the lawyers cheek formed by his tongue.

The waiver reads: "I absolve entirely High Timber from all blame or liability should I come to any harm including, but not limited to, a chipped tooth, or any injury as a result of swallowing it."

That’s it? How many Pounds Sterling did you shell out to the barrister who crafted that legal waiver for you, Neleen? Yup, looks pretty iron-clad to me. You’re one smart lass, you are.

And what’s the deal with you Brits causing insult to injury by hiding those tooth-busting metal trinkets in your pudding, anyway? Hope ya’ll are current on your Heimlich maneuver instruction. By the time dessert rolls around most adults are already headlong into the brandy and reaction times are slightly dulled. No wonder the British dentition is in the state it’s in. And would this explain the restaurant owners’ rather subdued grins on the website?

Y’all poke fun at us Americans but you don’t see us sabotaging the shortcake. Can’t you come up with a more contemporary idea? How ‘bout this: ever hear of the “McDonalds Happy Meal?” It’s called the “Happy Meal” because:  there’s no waiver required, there’s no choking hazard, nobody ends up with a busted-out grill and the “prize” is immediately visible when the bag is opened--- not HIDDEN in the sandwich! Brilliant, isn’t it? Yup, everybody’s Happy.

But, if you’re just looking for some quick and easy publicity for your high-brow restaurant? And it’s not really about the tooth-busting-trinkets? Well, yeah, then I guess the pudding waiver isn’t such a bad idea.

"Bearly" Adequate Dentistry

At the Port Defiance Zoo in Washington a Polar Bear named “Glacier” needed some dental work. Zookeepers examine the bears’ teeth daily using a series of hand signals to which the bear responds by opening his mouth. That’s how they spotted a broken canine. (Zookeepers had “no comment” on Glaciers’ own hand signals after being told he needed a root canal.) Officials don’t know the exact cause of the fractured tooth but offered speculation that Glacier may have sustained the injury while chewing his mixture of beef knuckles and femurs, fish and dog chow.


According to Dr. Karen Wolf, zoo veterinarian, dental problems in Polar Bears are fairly common and this isn’t Glacier's first root canal. Prompt treatment of the tooth was necessary to avoid the potential problems of swelling and infection. So after a week and a half of planning, Dr. Edmund Kwan (endodontist for humans) was scheduled to perform root canal therapy on Glaciers upper right canine. But, Glacier naturally, would need to be asleep for the procedure.

“He was pretty angry with me this morning,” says Dr. Wolf who explains that she tries to use the dart gun quickly as to minimize the stress on the animal. But Glacier spied the gun and is reported to then “jump up and down on his hind legs, pound his paws into the concrete, shake his head to and fro, saliva flying out of his mouth, and make a chuffing noise.” HELL YEAH!!! The Maven’d be jumpin’ and chuffin’ up a storm too! There’s a reason it’s called a “dart gun” and not “sedation dentistry.” Ever see the size of one of those? Doesn’t matter what kinda magical drugs you got stuffed in that dart, that’s gotta be painful in the ol’ keister for a long time to come! And Doc Wolf?---Here’s a lesson in non-verbal communication: in general, shaking the “head to and fro” can be interpreted as: “NO!” and “HELL NO!!”

And Doc, you wanna minimize stress? Well, consider this: Before your next dental appointment, how ‘bout The Dental Maven shows up at your house, early a.m. with a Dart Gun? Yeah. That’s right. Not really conducive to low stress, is it? Couldn’t you just slip a Mickey Finn into Glaciers’ kibble? He’d probably like that a whole lot better. And on the subject of kibble? Whose idea was it to serve up the beef knuckles? Just the word “knuckle,” chock filled with all those damn hard consonants should be enough to keep it off the menu. Best consider a softer diet for ol’ Glacier. Maybe even stick a Cuisine Art in his Christmas stocking.

It’s lovely that Dr. Kwan is donating his services for Glacier’s root canal. But the report says he won’t be getting a crown. What? Why do only half the job? After a root canal and without a crown the tooth will be more susceptible to another fracture. And The Maven can tell you that teeth that fracture once can often become repeat offenders, even without a root canal. Besides, Glacier would probably look pretty fetching with a gold canine. Give him a whole new look and probably some renewed respect in the animal kingdom. Think about it.

A Christmas Tribute to Our Brave Men and Women in Uniform

This holiday season remember those who won't be home to enjoy the warmth of family.